


corpse cold story

by nervecore



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blood, I would too, Implied Bad Stuff, M/M, also theyre lowkey aged up, breaking glass, but felix is an asshole too, cheating implications, death mentioned, enjoy, felix and seungmin are like 25, felix and seungmin are polar opposites, felix decided that seungmin is an asshole so fuck him am i right, felix is a college dropout, felix is reminescing the time with seungmin, felix is whipped for seungmin, felix questions everything, felix ure lowkey unhinged, implied nsfw, inspired by corspe's songs, jealousy is a disease kids, kind of a happy ending if you will, realisations were made, sadness overload, seungmin is a bitch, seungmin lowkey a bitch, suicidal thoughts implications, the bg story isnt progressing yet but we are getting there, toxic relationship implied, use of neopronouns, very questionable story line
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29026638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervecore/pseuds/nervecore
Summary: “fuck.” felix let under xems breath and then laughed bitterly, facepalming xemself. “i’m such an idiot. i let him escape through my fingers and then i wondered how did that happen.” xe told xemself in a low voice, sighing afterwards, xems mind taking xem back to the memories xe kept repeating in xems mind for so long at that point.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix
Comments: 16
Kudos: 5





	1. white tee

**Author's Note:**

> this 'series' will be inspired by a handful of corpse's songs. it won't be very long and the parts will also remain usually under the 2k mark.
> 
> WARNING !! not beta read. felix uses xe/xem in this story.

life, some would say, is complicated. and someone would never say that without any reason. because that, in fact, is true. no matter why, ‘life is complicated’ is a statement that could apply to everything and nothing at the same time. besides being complicated, life is also way too confusing. a lot of social cues can go either way, meaning that depending on what you think about it, it could be that. a lot of people’s actions are questionable, but at the end of the day it shouldn’t be anyone else’s business. it’s hard to comprehend at times, because sometimes these things overlap in weird ways… and who would have the time to figure it out perfectly, anyway? no one.

and especially not felix. xe gave up on such things very early in xems adolescence. xe had no interest in pleasing others or living up to others’ standards. standards they set up for xem, without xems consent in the first place. because of such an approach, people stopped doing this kind of thing. not entirely, but it clearly lowered on average. xe never really looked forward to giving xems all for anything. and maybe xe was judged for it at times, but xe didn’t care.

after all, xe never cared about others or what they expected or wanted when it came down to xem. and well, as cliche it might sound, not until xe met him.

if you asked felix what was so special about ‘him’, xe would not be able to give out a proper answer. not because there wasn’t one, but because xe had no idea how to properly form words, sentences and phrases that would show how special that ‘him’ actually was. of course, xe never expected people to understand, because xe didn’t understand xemself as well.

“and if you asked me now, i still wouldn’t know how to properly answer.” felix whispered to xemself, as xe was spinning the chair xe was sitting in. xems eyes were focused on the ceiling, still recalling the same series of events that got xem wondering about the way xe was living xems life. on a first though, xe would never see something wrong with it. because it would just fuck up xems entire perspective on xems life. but at the end of the day, after everything happened, xe ended up doubting xemself.

more than once and more than xe would like to admit.

“fuck.” felix let under xems breath and then laughed bitterly, facepalming xemself. “i’m such an idiot. i let him escape through my fingers and then i wondered how did that happen.” xe told xemself in a low voice, sighing afterwards, xems mind taking xem back to the memories xe kept repeating in xems mind for so long at that point.

when everything happened, to say that felix could be deemed a train wreck was a misunderstanding and an understatement. a misunderstanding, because as a matter of fact, xe wasn’t exactly a train wreck by chance, but by choice. and an understatement, because the life xe was leading was something one would only hear of in movies or books. any piece of media that could be recognised as ‘fictional’. not that others like xem didn’t exist in real life, but it was rare. especially if you considered so many other factors from felix’s early life. oh well.

despite trying to go to college, felix dropped after the first semester, since it wasn’t something xe wanted. it never was, but xe considered it and decided ‘fuck it, why not?’ and xe got xems answer quickly. while the college was the last call for xem and xems parents to have somewhat of a ‘safe’ relationship, felix just threw that chance in the trash can. at the end of the day, xe didn’t care that much. it wasn’t like they praised xem for anything else other than xems unbelievable good grades and such.

“yeah, so fuck that.” would be something felix would say whenever someone would try to force their expectations and wants onto xem. and well, good for xem.

while dropping out of the college meant that xe wouldn’t have where to go, that didn’t mean xe didn’t plan ahead to some extent. in the first semester, felix tried xems best to work in different areas and xe got a stable job at an office for a while and would also offer tutoring sessions to other students that were struggling. that gave xem enough cash for a bit, while xe would have been on the lookout for any other job.

xe rented an apartment in a neighbourhood that could be looked at and called ‘uncomfortable to live in’, but felix couldn’t care less. it was better than nothing and the rent was much cheaper than anywhere else where xe looked. following that, xe knew that without much other experience, xe wouldn’t be able to score a job in any place that paid well enough. or well, so xe thought.

you could call it a miracle, but well, it wasn’t one. when felix went to apply to be a dancer for a night club, xe never expected to be looked at up and down by the one who owns the club. first of all, that person wasn’t supposed to be there during the auditions and second of all, felix never saw it coming when xe was asked to instead be the owner’s personal secretary.

of course, felix was not an idiot or anything of the sort. xe was fully aware of what was going on and how things were going to go, but was that going to stop xem? hell no, it was basically, to some extent, free money. it wasn’t like xe wasn’t well versed in that aspect of xems life anyway. so whatever for some cash, right? and the terms weren’t even that bad if you were to ask xem. they were pretty chill and the person who owned the bar was also an interesting character overall. so felix could never say xe hated that job. because xe never did.

after all, that job made xem meet him.

it was a party of some sort and while fancy attire was never required for it, there surely were fancy things to make everything feel a bit more high class. felix’s boss was off with business during the party, so xe had leeway to do whatever the fuck xe wanted. when thinking about all of that, felix never expected the part in which he would get xems white t-shirt full of wine, because of someone walking into xem during the party.

“oh my god, i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean to… i spilled wine all over your t-shirt… and it’s also white…” seungmin started speaking fast and apologising, while bowing. felix had no idea what to do, rather than just blink confused and look at xems t-shirt, finally realising fully what the hell happened.

“oh no, it’s not your fault. shh, it’s okay. i spilled wine all over my white tee. we can pretend you didn’t.” xe reassured the boy in front of xem and placed the glass xe had wine in it previously on a table nearby. 

felix should have been upset. annoyed. pissed. angry even. but xe wasn’t and while xe had no idea why, xe just felt bad for the cutie in front of xem apologising. yeah, xems t-shirt was done for, but it wasn’t such a big deal, after all. it wasn’t like felix couldn’t live without that damn piece of clothing.

“i can offer you my hoodie? i have a t-shirt underneath. so you don’t have to stay in here with the mess i created, or well, you claim you created.”

“felix.” xe simply said and saw the other boy being confused for a bit, before catching on. “lee felix.” xe extended xems hand towards the younger.

“kim seungmin.” he shook felix’s hand and gave a shy smile and then took xem by the wrist, dragging xem towards the nearest bathroom so he could give felix his hoodie.

as soon as they were in the bathroom, seungmin took off the piece of clothing and handed it to felix, who hesitantly took it and pulled it over xems head. the atmosphere was low-key weird and awkward, but what could you say to someone in such situation. well, yeah, nothing good, that’s surely a give, you know…

“so… why are you here?” seungmin was the first to start a conversation and gave felix another shy smile and xe could swear that there was something different about the boy in front of him. something xe couldn’t quite place, but xe wanted so much to do so.

“i’m mr. lee’s secretary. he told me i’m not needed in the meeting, so i was just hanging around. what about you? you don’t really seem like the type that hangs around such people.” felix pointed out as xe looked seungmin up and down for a bot and xe could swear xe saw how some blush crept up onto seungmin’s cheeks at what xe just said to him.

“i’m actually the son of the person who threw this party and is also in the meeting.” seungmin explained and fixed the glasses he was wearing, leaning onto the counter which had a sink built into it. “told me to look around and stuff and yeah, you’re right. i’m not the type of person who hangs out with such people…”

“then why?” felix found xemself asking, realising it might be a bit too much, since they only met like five damn minutes ago, but that wasn’t going to stop xem, was it?

“well, my mom doesn’t engage me in such stuff usually and i can refuse to do these things, but i like to help her out sometimes, even if i hate it. a child gonna do what they have to do, you could say. to some extent, i guess.” seungmin explained himself and then shrugged. it made felix realise why he was different and why it was so clear now. they were… polar opposities, quite frankly. and that was… interesting to say the least. “what about you? you also don’t really seem the type to hang in such places, so why?”

“oh please, you know nothing.” felix chuckled, but it wasn’t because xe thought the situation was funny or because seungmin messed up his assumption about xem. it was because xe was indeed way too different from the boy in front of xem and xe knew that seungmin would probably look at xem differently because of that. felix had no idea why xe cared so much about that. they were literally strangers. they knew almsot nothing about each other. so why the fuck?

felix couldn’t understand xemself either and it was messing xem up.

“oh, so you’re like… everyone else in this house at this very moment.” seungmin concluded and why did that hurt to some extent? because it was true? or because xe wished xe could have met seungmin under any other cicrcumstances... but not like that? “how is that like, though?”

well, that surely was something that felix did not expect to hear. xe perked up at the question and blinked. once. twice. thrice. trying to regain xems composure over what seungmin just asked. why would he want to know something like that in the first place?

“well, fun. i suppose. you usally do not care about others’ feelings or what the consequences might be. you just simply… do whatever the hell you want to do and while that’s freeing, it’s not something you can be proud of at all times.” felix said, giving a half smile.

“is this one of these moments?”

“yeah.”

“why?” seungmin asked, looking to make eye contact with felix but xe was avoiding that at all costs.

“because you don’t belong in such a life. and i won’t take responsability in showing you any of that.”

“what if i want, though? can you say no?”

“no, that’s the problem.” and the answer felt intimate. seungmin knew.


	2. cabin fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the cabin fever symptoms were all lining up. oh well.
> 
> it was whatever, you know?
> 
> besides the fact that it was not just ‘whatever’ and that was driving felix mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not beta read

“kim seungmin, you’re such a fucking joke.” felix told xemself, letting out yet another bitter laugh. “what if i want to, though? can you say no?” xe reenacted seungmin’s reply, chuckling again. “you’re fucking insufferable.” xe breathed out, feeling how xems anger was rising once again. it had been a while ever since that happened. xe would like to think xe was over it, but since xe spent all of xems winter inside and thinking about all of that, xe clearly didn’t get over it.

everything happened a little under a year ago and yet it was still so fresh in felix’s mind. maybe xe needed someone to fuck up xems life just like xe fucked up others’ lives before. xe now realised how those people must have felt when xe entered their universes and then left all of xems prints in it. felix really was an asshole. a high class one as well.

but it hurt more when you end up messed up by someone who looked like they could not hurt one fly. and after all, seungmin was the one who wanted to see what that kind of life was all about. why was felix the one getting the consequences?

karma, one would point out and maybe they were right. however, xe was too angry to even consider that kind of option at all. maybe xe was giving through a cabin fever moment. it didn’t sound way too unlikely. after all, xe was not over everything that happened, arguably. xe spent a lot of time inside during winter. and xe surely was irritable.

the cabin fever symptoms were all lining up. oh well.

it was whatever, you know?

besides the fact that it was not just ‘whatever’ and that was driving felix mad.

“no, that’s the problem.” xe quoted xemself. xe could not believe he fell into that kind of trap so easily. but once again, everything felt different with seungmin. thinking back to what felix was feeling in those very moments, it made sense. he was pure, xe was not. he was everything out of felix’s world and xe was everything seungmin ever tried to avoid.

it was quite romantic, if you were into that.

in other words, seungmin was everything someone like felix ever wanted. but not for the reason xe thought xe did back then. and everything came to light later, when xe actually caught feelings.

one who is deep into a lifestyle that doesn’t align with the ‘normal’ one is more prone to be interested in someone who has the exact opposite lifestyle they have. that’s what everyone said, like always. opposites attract, right?

right.

with all of that down on the paper, it was easy to figure out thart what felix felt was not any kind of feeling related to love in any way, shape or form. what felix felt towards seungmin, was more dark and scary, thinking back.

xe saw in him someone xe could play with. play in ways that xe wouldn’t be able to play when it came down to all the other people xe knew. it was a selfish act, but xe never realised that was what was happening. how could xe know? yeah, maybe the fact that xe never had real feelings up until then should have given it away. but it didn’t, so felix just went along.

and yeah, xe regretted it.

“what’s stopping you?” seungmin asked xem, back then. he took a step closer to where xe was standing. what was stopping xem? the fact that they barely knew each other? the pure fucking fact that they were strangers? or was felix trying to hold something back. something bigger. scarier. wilder.

“i don’t want to ruin your life. you could have gotten in such things all your life. so why now? why me? we don’t even know each other.” felix finally sopke up, after a type of silence that let each other know more than what they both wanted maybe.

“perhaps you’re right. but shouldn’t that make you wnat to do it? the fact that we’re strangers? that you will have no remorse over what might happen between you and me?” seungmin pointed out and furrowed an eyebrow.

that made sense. because felix never cared about strangers. their reasons. their life stories. if they did something that they would regret later down the line. xe never gave a flying fuck about them, so why was xe holding xemself back? that question kept clouding xems mind. back then and in the future as well. maybe xe wasn’t fully aware, but xe knew. xe low-key knew what was going on.

and xe hated that. a whole fucking lot.

“are you sure about this, seungmin?” felix asked and xe could swear xe saw something shift in seungmin’s eyes for a second there. xe should have taken the hint. but xe ignored it instead.

“very sure, felix.” was what his mouth said, but not what he was fully thinking, probably. after all, he was also half of the reason why all of that went down, even if he would never admit to it.

so easy to break. and so easy to get so close. and so easy to just… do whatever one would want. felix hated that seungmin served himself on a plate so easily. xe could never understand his reasons. or why he got himself in such a situation. and why he decided that felix should be the ‘chosen one’.

it was all bullshit.

but even if it was all bullshit, seungmin never pushed felix away when xe pulled him closer and kissed him. seungmin never rejected the full on making out session they were having. seungmin never thought twice before indulging himself in felix’s messed up life. all the kisses, all the moments when they were feeling like the other one was the only thing important in that damn world. the aftercares and the sweet little times they were sharing even now and then.

it all meant nothing.

they never called themselves anything else besides ‘felix’ and ‘seungmin’. they never were in a relationship and felix could do whatever the fuck xe wanted, still. seungminwas also free to step out whenever he wanted or do whatever the fuck he wanted. so why didn’t he do that until it was too late?

why did he get jealous and had to ask felix to officialise whatever the fuck they wanted when it was only getting more and more worse. xe couldn’t understand the motive. what drove seungmin to such a thing? what made him think it was okay to just indulge himself further in what was fucking up his life?

“love, one would say. fucking love, it never was love. he just loved the thrill and hated than anyone else besides him was getting it. but wasn’t it the same for me to some extent? not in the same exact way, but similar in one form or another. god, i’m such a hypocrite.” felix sighed to xemself. they both set themselves up for failure, but it seemed like only xem was going through all of that in a worse way. and why?

because maybe at the end of the day, seungmin saw something in felix that not even xe knew. it was strange to put it in words, but it was making felix angry again. was xe, perhaps, the toy in the fucking end? was that what was it all about? who controls who? and why? if everything that happened meant nothing to seungmin…

the cabin fever was getting worse.


	3. miss you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “i don’t wanna feel like this. fuck. i don’t wanna look like this. fuck. wish i didn’t miss you… so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not beta read

everything was breaking apart, slowly. very slowly. that was unknown to the two of them, though. they weren’t realising all of that. not just yet. for a short while they were actually kind of happy together and that gave felix some sort of hope. maybe they really just needed to officialise things for things to take a turn for the better? that’s what xe thought, anyway. but that wasn’t quite what seungmin felt and saw through their ‘official’ relationship. and if felix would be able to read minds, xe would definitely love to know what was it that drove him away, despite everything being seemingly okay in the beginning?

was it because seungmin felt kind of afraid that he could lose felix for someone else? was he just jealous? what was it? and why didn’t xe ever get a response to those questions? of course, they were asked in vain but even back then, xe never got an answer to what was eating xem alive from inside. it was a shame, because xe always thought that maybe the outcome could have been different to some extent.

that’s what xe liked to fantasise about, anyway. in reality, felix was aware that no matter how hard xe would have tried, seungmin would have thrown xem in the trash at some point.

“maybe it’s not a matter if he would have done it or not, but a matter of if in the end i was the toy and not vice-versa how i thought i was…” felix murmured to xemself and got up from xems chair, leaving the room and dragging xems feet along towards a specific room in the apartment.

once felix reached the doorstep of that specific room, xe inhaled deeply and then swung open the door, switching on the lights. after everything happened, xe got a lot of things running through xems mind and xe would lie to say it wasn’t a bother to xem to some extent. because it was. and it made felix have second thoughts about so many things xe would never worry about if xe was still xems old self.

felix felt like xe couldn’t trust anyone anymore. felix felt like xems downfall in life was directly connected with the fact that xe never was enough. felix felt like everything that happened had to be xems fault for one reason or another. it just seemed right to be like that.

“or maybe you miss that piece of trash way too much for your own good.” xe told xemself as soon as xems eyes were staring at xems own reflection in the bathroom’s mirror above the sink. for all that felix knew, maybe xe was right about xems own self feeling like that just because xe was missing someone xe shouldn’t miss in the first place.

xe tried to get xemself to believe all of this for a while now, but it just seemed like xe couldn’t do that for whatever damn reason. so maybe seungmin was worth it? was that what xems mind meant by not letting xem get over it? but once again, everything he told felix… was enough reason for xem to absolutely hate him.

“i mean, you have been the asshole all your life, so is it really fair to assume that seungmin was the one when it came to whatever the fuck we had? is it fair to throw everything on him and pretend like he deserves it?” felix spoke up and let out a bitter laugh, once again. xe felt like xe was losing xems mind for a second there. xe would love to say that xe saw it coming, but xe absolutely didn’t. maybe it was because it was felix’s first time falling in love. maybe it was because xe never imagined someone breaking xems heart. or maybe xe just deemed it impossible for that to happen.

a sigh escaped xems lips and without any other thought in xems head, xe raised xems fist and immediately threw a punch to the mirror, breaking it in a lot of pieces. as the bits were falling apart all around the bathroom, breaking in even more small pieces, blood started dropping from felix’s fist. xems eyes were closed shut and there was no expression of pain on xems face whatsoever.

but not even the physical pain could get away what xe was feeling inside of xem. because apparently xe was totally numb from emotional pain and the physical pain barely did anything to xems body or mind at all. it was weird. in other instances, felix would have probably panicked and been in so much pain due to such an impact, but xe couldn’t be bothered. it just didn’t matter. it really just didn’t matter. at the end of the day, nothing was solved.

“i don’t wanna feel like this. fuck. i don’t wanna look like this. fuck. wish i didn’t miss you… so much.” a groan of annoyance followed what felix just said and then xe raised xems head, opening xems eyes and looking at the mess around xem. it was funny, it felt like the bathroom picked up on the mood that was constantly living in felix’s mind, rent free.

xe retracted xems fist, letting it linger aimlessly besides xems body. instead of picking up the glass pieces, felix just left the bathroom, switching off the lights. xe was going to solve that another time. it was a struggle for future felix. and future felix would surely probably curse out past felix.

however, the bloody fist was a concern for the present felix. as much as xe didn’t really care about xemself anymore, xe didn’t want xems wounds to get infected or anything. that would have been too much of a bother. xe placed xems fist under the water he started in the sink, cleaning up the blood. once xe was done, it was the time to look for bandages, which xe found rather quickly.

as felix was taking care of the scars, xems thought started roaming back to the story. when everything finally broke apart and split them up. not once and for all. felix came back from work and decided that instead of going to xems house, xe wanted to crash at seungmin’s place and spend some time with him. however that wasn’t what happened. as soon as xe texted seungmin to let him know, the other refused to see felix.

the reason? he felt like whatever felix had going on with xems boss was still happening due to insider information. it was bullshit, though. xe never did anything after their relationship became official. xe tried xems best to remain loyal and it wasn’t like it was that hard, because xe truly was in love with seungmin by that time.

felix tried to make seungmin understand that it wasn’t like what he thought it was and all attempts were deemed failure after failure, no matter what.

one time, however, xe had enough of this ‘back and forth’ and decided to confront seungmin directly about everything. because they never officially broke up, they were just fighting over something the other never had any evidence for. it was bullshit and felix needed to make seungmin understand that.

but what happened clearly didn’t end up well. felix still couldn’t believe what xe heard that day. it didn’t only hurt xems feelings, but it also never gave xem any kind of insight on why seungmin was looking at felix from that kind point of view. explanations were blurry. reasons were non-existent. and maybe, just maybe, seungmin wanted to ruin felix’s life on purpose. but they never met before that damned fateful night, so that did not make sense in the fucking slightest, after all.

“or maybe he saw in me someone who could be easily broken if played rightly as a pawn. and everyday i just pray for the reaper to take me away.”


	4. never satisfied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “why does it matter?” felix said to xemself as xe was done bandaging up xems hand. “why the hell does it matter? my life never revolved around someone else before, so why does it hurt? why do i care? [...]"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not beta read

“you know what’s going felix, don’t act like this. you are the reason you’re like… this. one day you’ll realise. you let yourself become a fuck up. you knew, deep within yourself that you can’t be nothing more than that. that’s why you get fucked up, doing all kinds of stuff that by someone like me would be deemed as a form of forgetting that you are the sole reason you became like that. somewhere deep, where you don’t let anyone get, you wished that you had a simpler life and that you strived for what others expected of you. you’re mad at yourself and you can’t ever be fucking satisfied with what you’re given and what you’re having. you’re just in for the rush at the end of the day. if you snap, you never do it because you have a good reason to do so. you just chase whatever can give you a sense of accomplishment and other highs you can get off and think that you’re not doing as bad as you think you are doing. it’s fucking pathetic, are you aware?”

...it’s fucking pathetic, are you aware?

yeah, felix was aware. more than what xe would have liked to admit. xe didn’t want to say that what seungmin told xem that one day was all true, but xe would probably lie to xemself if xe didn’t own up to it. maybe it wasn’t as deep as he implied and that felix knew to the core of his heart, but it still hurt nonetheless. seungmin was right and xe hated it with a burning passion. but it was never just the fact that he was right, it was the fact that he used that as a weapon against felix to make xem crumble down. to tear xem apart and stomp on xem and all the decisions xe ever made so far in xems life.

it was no freindly advice or a hand to help felix get out of what xe did to xemself, but seungmin was only trying to push xem further down. he was able to distance himself from that kind of life, because his mother supported his decidion. he was someone, while felix was a nobody. just a toy in others’ games, no matter how much xe would like to think otherwise. maybe after all, xe was not living xems life how xe liked it.

maybe xe was ruining xemself on purpose. but that was going against everything felix believed in and everything xe thought xe was doing all that time. it was exactly the opposite. did xe perhaps make mistakes and would xe want to go back and try back? absolutely. but did xe regret it entirely? before, xe never did and never questioned xemself. so why did seungmin show up in xems life and made xem ask xemself if xe was leading the worst life one could imagine? what was the point? was there a point? if there was no purpose… then why?

why the fuck did it matter to seungmin what felix was doing with xems own life?

“you could have been at your best and yet, you chose to slowly rip your own life apart. how do you not hate yourself yet? are you not satisfied with your own hatred towards yourself as well?” were the last words felix ever heard from seungmin before the other laughed in xems face and went back to whatever kind of life he was leading. despite not seeing him after all of that, xe knew.

xe knew that he was probably bad mouthing xem to whoever he would see at the next few parties felix’s boss was attending. all of that because xe was not coming. xe took an undetermined break after everything went down. xe needed to pick up the pieces but it had been so long… what pieces? was it even worth it to pick them all up? to try to stick them together? would xe be weak or strong if xe went back to the same lifestyle xe had before? would xe be weak or strong if xe left all of that behind and started over? so many questions and no answers.

“why does it matter?” felix said to xemself as xe was done bandaging up xems hand. “why the hell does it matter? my life never revolved around someone else before, so why does it hurt? why do i care? because i thought i could confide in him? because i thought that maybe. that maybe seomeone was udnerstanding and was ready to be in my life for more than what i offer or get offered by others? because he’s right? if the answer is no to all of that… then why do i bother? why am i in such a state?”

it made you think. so many things you could possibly be suffereing over. are they really worth it? and more importantly, was the person who made you doubt yourself really worth it? if the answer is no, then overcoming is easy. you just need to get up and try. and try. and try. if you’re hesitant, this means that maybe, deep inside, you know that maybe you care for no reason. and you’re afraid to recognise that to yourself. and if the answer is yes. ask yourself. if it was worth it, then why are they gone? that’s what i thought.

and that’s what made felix realise. that in all those scenarios, it still made no sense. xems life was more important than just a fucking dude telling xem that xe was wasting xems life away. if xe wanted, xe could turn around xems own life. if xe wanted, xe could just go on with whatever xe was doing before, without giving anyone any sort of explanation.

in the end, others’ opinions didn’t really matter, if they were not worth it or if they didn’t dare to try to help you out if there was something truly wrong.

“ok, so fuck him.” felix laughed to xemself and then put back the bandages. xe was done mourning over whatever the hell xem and seungmin had. at the edn of the day, it didn’t matter anymore. and xe was done even considering if xe was at fault. if he moved on so fast, without remorse… why wouldn’t felix?

exactly. why wouldn’t felix?

so that’s what xe decided to do.

“never satisfied, huh? yeah, you’re fucking right kim seungmin.” xe said out loud and after making sure xe was not bleeding anymore, with determined steps, the future felix started cleaning the bathroom of the bits and pieces of glass, throwing them in the trash and getting rid of the mirror which remained on the floor. the deed was done under half an hour and as soon as xe was done with that, xe went back to xems room.

scanning the surroundings, felix saw xems phone and quickly sent a text message to someone. right after that, xe plugged xems phone to the charger, so xe could have it fully charged before leaving.

little by little, felix was making xems way towards getting things done. tidying some things up and looking for clothes to go outside. deciding on which cologne to use and if doing xems make up was worth it. all of that started to clog up xems mind and shooing away the seungmin thoughts and more importantly, other things that were going to be long forgotten once felix was done getting over it. of course, the process was requiring more than doing any of those things.

felix knew that much. but it was a start. yeah, existing was always something to be proud of. but that day, xe was taking the extra mile, finally and xe was very proud of xemself. with a good reason, nonetheless.

“look at you, lee felix. what’s cooking good looking?” felix complimented xemself and then face palmed, putting some things down. maybe that was too far. “god, just shut up, will you?”

after dolling xemself up, all xe had left to do is go to work. xe had no idea if he was that excited, but it was still a step forward and if xe didn’t want to work there no more, xems boss would understand anyway. it was just a matter of time until xe would decide against that idea or not.

felix locked the door and then went down the stairs. xe greeted one of xems neighbours and left the building, walking towards the parking lot where xems car was parked. usually, xe would walk to work, but why not just take the easy route for once?

and that’s what xe did.

however, as good as xems plan was, there was something that came up as soon as xe arrived at the place and entered the club, felix would have never expected to see seungmin hanging out at the bar with whoever the fuck that was. xe furrowed an eyebrow, but before xe could leave, xe locked eyes with seungmin, shock written all over the boy’s face.

they haven’t seen each other in such a long time and the bastard had the audacity to show up at felix’s workplace? kind of out of pocket, if you asked xem.

“you were right, kim seungmin. i’m never satisfied in any sense. that’s why i will ask you to get the fuck out of my bar and take your damn date with you. only then i will be satisfied to have you out of my goddamn fucking life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed !! i know it was kind of weird but yeah :3 leave a comment if you want !!


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